MICELLO'S MUSINGS

It's funny how we can get attached to "things". Especially things into which we have put a lot of ourselves. I once had another blog -- It was my first blog starting in August of 2004...I had it for a long time and it felt like home. One day I did something bipolar and eliminated a password or username and couldn't access it anymore.

I've had a couple of blogs since, but none has seemed like home. Bipolar Bytes..I've had the longest.. Finally with some help from the tech support, I've managed to retrieve Micello's Musings and all the heartfelt writings and comments that went in there. I am going to start moving my writings back that way...so if you don't mind,,,look for me at MICELLO'S MUSINGS. CLICK "MICELLO'S MUSINGS" JUST BELOW THIS BLOG.

Some of you may have seen this before, although I have been editing it a bit. Some of us cycle quite often and stability is a hard concept for us to imabine. This poem is dedicated to them...... I have been stable for quite a long period for me...several weeks..and am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Michele

Who We Are

To the Rapid Cyclers

Some of us are wide awake
and gladly greet the day,
Others pull the curtains tight
and damn the light away.

We must pursue an altered path
from those of stability;
Our moods are charged with many
bursts of manic-ability.

Great leaps of ebullience
we've often great zest for the game
Only to be followed by
hellish descents to mental pain.

We always feel more acutely.
It's not a figment of our mind.
Our mood’s take charge completely.
And the episodes unwind.

Now, a grandiose feeling!
It's a blast from the past.
Then down with sudden distress
from bad news that's forecast.

One minute we're elated and glad.
The next we're gut-wrenching mad.
Tread on down the path til we're sad.
It's a fate that's exceedingly bad

Why is it we can't plan this
riotous mood switching?
These roller coaster rides
leave us trembling and twitching.

Finally we fall back to a state of stability
Our mood levels off to a happy even keel.
But do not acquire a false sense of normalcy.
Only the mood swings are real!

Do not be fooled, stability does not last for long!


November 2004

TO DISCLOSE OR NOT

What is madness? to disclose that you are in fact bipolar? The world we live in is not altogether ready for us. And if you read the definition of a bipolar person, their attributes generally include superior intelligence, high levels of energy,
outstanding creativity and imagination. and go on to say that most of us on proper medication can lead fairly normal lives. Now, I would argue that point from the inside of a bipolar person -- it's usually a desperate struggle to lead that life and a constant tweaking of meds -- but hey, the statement is true...We're as normal as the next guy. No serial killers here. We don't generally break down and go into psychotic fits in front of all to see. Give me a break. When are we going to have parity in mental health and realize that the brain is part of the body. A chemical imbalance in the brain is no ddifferent than a chemical imbalance in the pancreas -- one needs lithium....one needs insulin. Ever see anyone go into diabetic shock...They can look a bit crazy too! Disoriented, confused..and then passed out.

But just tell someone you are bipolar and watch their face. It goes into all kinds of wierd contortions and then a smile and then they look for the escape because they don't know what to do. They are afraid of it. People are afraid of mental illness. And they will continue to be until we all stand up and say "I'm bipolar" or "I'm schizophrenic" or "I have personalit disorder" and they learn that nothing bad happens to them.

"Life is a Train of Moods..."

"Dream delivers us to dream, and there is no end to illusion. Life is a train of moods like a string of beads, and as we pass through them they prove to be many-colored lenses which paint the world their own hue, and each shows only what lies in its focus" Ralph waldo Emerson

He makes it sound like a pleasant trip going through all those moods and maybe that should be our goal...to try to find the best there is in the moods that are not too depressed or anxious. But, of course, that sounds good in theory when one is perched one level above elevated mood and things are looking positive. There is something of a truth though about each mood painting the world its own hue and showing only what lies in its focus. I wonder if Mr. Emerson was one of us.

MY SYMPHONY
William Henry Channing

"To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not rich; to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, await occasions, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common : this is to be my symphony."
PRACTICING PEACE
Cathryn Hankla

It's not an idea. As an idea, it's no more powerful than war. It's not a demonstration. We can carry signs on behalf of other problems. It's not an admonition; reproach cannot produce it. It's not historical; we cannot look back and retrieve it. It's not human nature, not a natural behavior. Primitive, we would not know it any better. It might be uncertain. It might be an endless pursuit. It might be a state of mind. It might be a journey. It might be pure energy. It might be a dream. Peaceful is not something we are, that we decided once, or something we do, that is the only route. Like forgiveness, peace is a practice. Moment to moment, it's how we choose to be: when the grill won't start, when the dog keeps barking, when the check bounces, when the train is late, when we are angry and searching for someone to blame.

SNOWBALL: THOUGHTS OF HEAVEN
William Blake

To see the World in a Grain of Sand, and Heaven in a Wild Flower, hold infinity in the palm of your hand, an eternity in an hour. Auguries of Innocence
EMERSON: THE SPIRIT SPORTS WITH TIME
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dream delivers us to dream, and there is no end to illusion. Life is a train of moods like a string of beads, and as we pass through them they prove to be many-colored lenses which paint the world their own hue, and each shows only what lies in its focus

EMERSON: THE SPIRIT SPORTS WITH TIME
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dream delivers us to dream, and there is no end to illusion. Life is a train of moods like a string of beads, and as we pass through them they prove to be many-colored lenses which paint the world their own hue, and each shows only what lies in its focus

THINGS ABOUT BEING BIPOLAR

Do you ever wonder why it's so difficult to be bipolar. I mean just what exactly IS the problem? Is it that we can't count on being the same person from one minute to the next. Having the same amount of energy today as we did yesterday. Is it the way the medications make us feel...the side effects...too much weight, constant diets...irritibility, drowsiness, short term memory loss, "loss of vocabulary", lack of creativity, tremors, depression, mania, the whole gamut of mood swings which the meds were supposed to cure in the first place. Is it that we're supposed to live such an ordered life -- like characters in a book with no deviation -- Or maybe because we're so sensitive and fragile...It doesn't take much to get my world turning.

Consider the external world around you. To tell or not to tell...Will people pity me, be scared of me, shun me, exclude me, discriminate against me, befriend me try -- worst of all -- to be one of us, or just, possibly, accept me. Note that mental health insurance covers only 50% not 80% like physical health claims. Where's parity in health care? Life insurance often won't cover you if you are bipolar. Feel a little discrimination?

I'm lucky. I have a very fine psychiatrist who is up on all the latest medications. He even is active in performing some drug studies and lectures other doctors. He shows me respect and allows me to actively participate in my care and the medical choices made. He educates me on each medication, my body and the disorder. But I have not always had him and I used to worry about the medicines I was on and what they were doing to me and the side effects and when I didn't think they were working I didn't know if it was me or the medicine. Should I call the doctor? What if he thinks I'm overreacting? What if I'm losing my mind? Maybe I'm rapid cycling and need something more.?

No...it's not easy being bipolar. And if you don't have a pdoc you really trust and a therapist to talk to I don't know how you keep from losing your sanity. I'm Bipolar I, rapid cycling....Most bipolar cycles are every 5-6 monoths is what I've read.... I cycle anywhere from 2 days to 4 weeks on an average....I also have a lot of mixed states days. In the last seven weeks, I have been incredibly stable...No mania, depression, mixed states...Slightly elevated mood, highly motivated and very happy. I know this is temporary as the disorder is cyclical. I am enjoying it while it lasts...but I'm watching myself -- tracking my mood quickly each pm before I go to bed.

I can't count on being this happy and focused and productive. If history repeats itself, I'm in for a manic attack. Hope my pdoc has a good antipsychotic in mind.