What is it about the change of season that rattles our cage and brings down that pall,that sense of hopeless useless feeling where motivation has abandoned us and we are sure there is nothing of importance left in our life. Nothing that can't go on fine without us. I hear the call of "doing nothing" -- a goal I have sneered at all my life now actually seems appealing. What is happening in my brain. Is it transforming into some new substnce incapable of innovative articulate and creative thought? Where hass the real "me" gone...I am being transformed into some vegetative state. It worries me...what if it doesn't change back..This mood is bleak...black...blindly terrifying if I think about it too much. But then that takes energy I don't have. Physically I am exhausted. I could sleep for hours. I have pushed...rationalized...argued with myself laying out all the reasons for pursuing my responsibilities...but my self is weakening daily as the season proceeds.
Is it the change of sun - less light, heading toward winter - seasonal affective disorder...is this what is happening... Do I need more time out of doors...a light box? More exercise outside? Someone enlighten me....I can't afford to stick around waiting for the next mood swing. I am aware of a number of us having this problem. Comments are welcome....I know one thing...it's not the meds...they have stayed constant..This started when the weather changed from hot and sunny to cooler and rain showers' breezy weather, cool evenings. Somebody explain this. Forward this to your friends....
It never ever fails to surprise me how quickly my mood can pivot and plunge to the depths of hell. I don't have to do a thing...Just a fact situation can present itself and KABLOOEY!!!!!!!!! The pit in the stomach because I have to face something unpleasant and the mood swing is on. Now, I know that everyone is affected by this type of thing when they face an unpleasant situation; the difference is their mood swings are not really "mood swings".. What I mean is, they are affected during the time of the situation and then they recover and go on about their business. For those of us who are bipolar it is a different story. There is a swing of mood that hangs on after the immediate event...the event stays with us in a form of depression. Case in point...Not one of my brighter examples of motherhood...but my youngest daughter had been quite rude to a group of my brother's friends at a couple of gatherings at the house. I don't know what her problem is, but lately she has been acting in a "superior" manner, talking down to people, making fun of their life styles and politics. She certainly wasn't raised that way. I had to talk to her about her behavior and let her know that she couldn't come to parties and treat guests in that way. Her response was unacceptable. It was resolved that she wouldn't come anymore if the friends were here...she truly believes she is better than they are. I felt it my duty as a mother to speak to my daughter about her behavior. I am speechless about her attitude and embarrassed at her extreme lack of manners. I told her that she ought to look within herself if she was judging others and that she was in the wrong.
So for several days I have been in a general funk. Feeling like "where did I go wrong with this daughter? Where is she getting this 'I'm a successful 36 year old business woman and I can speak to people any way that I want to'?" We will be having a birthday party for my brother on next Saturday and that is the reason the conversation had to happen. The friends had said they would not come to get together here anymore if she was going to be here since she had been so hurtful and rude to them. I didn't want any of our friends to feel unwelcome here. I had to have the conversation with my daughter about her offensive behavior. I have called a mutual friend to tell him when inviting people to the party to let them know that his niece will not be here. The whole situation is very sad. But my daughter is in the wrong. Hopefully, she will mature and realize that we value people as human beings not for what they have or their politics.
But being bipolar, this has caused a full-blown mood swing. I'm having trouble fighting off the depression into which this necessary conversation threw me. I just want to go to bed and sleep. I have good friends which have taken me out of the house to lunch and have come over and kept me company. I have made myself work on chalking a ceramic nativity set and work on the internet. Maybe when I go shopping for my brother's birthday on Wednesday and get involved with our friend John in planning the party, I will pull out of this depression. or maybe extra fish oil??? ha-ha
I was never around my natural father very much growing up. I got to know him as an adult by spending two days with him at 25, telephone conversations infrequently over the years and finally a week with him at 55.
This is a brief writing based on a day during that week.
I can see all this in his eyes. He has perceptible burnt umber eyes, even getting older. His age, beginning to show, his eyes have never changed. They still SPEAK !! Sometimes it is difficult to explain to others the relationship which we have. We are close although we have been apart and he has not handled his responsibility to me....He has not seen to it that I know who he is and who that part of my family is nor that there is a link and family connection there.
He alleged a theory that Mom saw I had a family and he didn't want to mess it up. That is so much bull shit and I have told him so.... There is room in people's lives for a mom and a dad's second families.. I believe this....At 55 I have come to my peace with him and he knows what I think. But he had to hear the truth from me. This was one lady the man could not charm. He was always charismatic. Women appeared from nowhere. Being a singer in a band (big band era), he had his groupies....and that was problematic to say the least. It certainly had to do with the end of his marriage to my mother...she just wasn't the understanding type when he told her he was in love with two women,
But we understand each other and why it happened as it did. We are both bipolar. We can feel it in each other: the exuberance, the love of life and people, thought, human possibility and music and all family. But I know he gets the melancholy that goes with this illness
They say bipolar runs in families
and they may be right, you know.
It seems to choose the "Shiners",the artists,
those who like the show.
Dad, you were the "entertainer" singing
in the night clubs - always flirting
fought the problems of addiction,
bad marriages, ended up hurting.
Relationships have been a hard thing
for us to commit to somehow it seems.
We've had marriages and divorces
and everyone upset in our schemes.
by moving to the country from the town.
but my moods still cycle up and down.
Your face reminds me of Pagliacci.
I know that smile covers a sad brood
of the melancholic bipolar person
whose life is controlled by swings of mood.
