THINGS ABOUT BEING BIPOLAR
Do you ever wonder why it's so difficult to be bipolar. I mean just what exactly IS the problem? Is it that we can't count on being the same person from one minute to the next. Having the same amount of energy today as we did yesterday. Is it the way the medications make us feel...the side effects...too much weight, constant diets...irritibility, drowsiness, short term memory loss, "loss of vocabulary", lack of creativity, tremors, depression, mania, the whole gamut of mood swings which the meds were supposed to cure in the first place. Is it that we're supposed to live such an ordered life -- like characters in a book with no deviation -- Or maybe because we're so sensitive and fragile...It doesn't take much to get my world turning.
Consider the external world around you. To tell or not to tell...Will people pity me, be scared of me, shun me, exclude me, discriminate against me, befriend me try -- worst of all -- to be one of us, or just, possibly, accept me. Note that mental health insurance covers only 50% not 80% like physical health claims. Where's parity in health care? Life insurance often won't cover you if you are bipolar. Feel a little discrimination?
I'm lucky. I have a very fine psychiatrist who is up on all the latest medications. He even is active in performing some drug studies and lectures other doctors. He shows me respect and allows me to actively participate in my care and the medical choices made. He educates me on each medication, my body and the disorder. But I have not always had him and I used to worry about the medicines I was on and what they were doing to me and the side effects and when I didn't think they were working I didn't know if it was me or the medicine. Should I call the doctor? What if he thinks I'm overreacting? What if I'm losing my mind? Maybe I'm rapid cycling and need something more.?
No...it's not easy being bipolar. And if you don't have a pdoc you really trust and a therapist to talk to I don't know how you keep from losing your sanity. I'm Bipolar I, rapid cycling....Most bipolar cycles are every 5-6 monoths is what I've read.... I cycle anywhere from 2 days to 4 weeks on an average....I also have a lot of mixed states days. In the last seven weeks, I have been incredibly stable...No mania, depression, mixed states...Slightly elevated mood, highly motivated and very happy. I know this is temporary as the disorder is cyclical. I am enjoying it while it lasts...but I'm watching myself -- tracking my mood quickly each pm before I go to bed.
I can't count on being this happy and focused and productive. If history repeats itself, I'm in for a manic attack. Hope my pdoc has a good antipsychotic in mind.
2 comments:
Hi! Venice here from Manila, Philippines. I got here from Bipolar Planet site listings. Anyways, I totally relate to what youre saying, its really difficult. I was just diagnosed on october 2006 so I'm fairly new to this thing. bEfore, it was much more difficult, I thought I was going crazy and sudden shift in moods was killing me, for the most part my family was also having a hard time trying to understand me until we went to a psychiatrist. now, its better cuz I have an understanding as to what the disorder is and how it affects me. as for me, i'm slowly opening up to my friends about my disorder so they would understand why sometimes i'd act really different.
Its good that your mood has been stable for sometime, I so envy you right now. ^_^
I feel sometimes like I don't know who the real me is. I'm bipolar 1 as well but mostly quite stable now-a-days. Had a small dip at Christmas. I expected it and cut down on stressors as much as I could. It helped.
Out of the past 27 months, I had about 18 months of off-and-on hypomania. It helped me to write the book I'm now finishing up. So not all is bad.
Life is not boring though, is it?
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