What a day yesterday was. My morning walk was not uneventful. I got up early, showered, put on my makeup etc. got on my walking clothes and slipped out the front door to do my two miles. Made it a mile down the hill and along the street when it started to sprinkle. I turned around and headed for a tree as God announced "Let the deluge begin!" After it had slowed to a light shower, I started up the hill and looked up to see a smiling son-in-law in a Prius == in his stocking feet no less -- who had rapidly departed on a mission to rescue me from the storm. The storm continued to build insofar as wind is concerned taking down a set of wind chimes and threatening to carry off the mini dachshund who was not happy about taking any trips out doors. We therefore spent the day inside visiting, playing the WII, watching a movie and cooking and eating. I started rounding up my things as I flew home today...a 12:50 flight arriving in Houston around 6:15. I enjoy spending time with my daughter and her family very much. I wish that we lived closer. I don't know my grandchildren the way that I always had planned. I had a great visit and remained completely stable while I was there. Sometimes the change in time zones plays havoc with my sleep and then my moods but it was fine this time. Dropping the extra Wellbutrin seems to have made the difference in the sleep problems.
My girls were glad to see me. I was glad to see them...Somehow they are more like real dogs to me...I've always had big dogs. They seem more like people to me. My companions. We'll walk in the morning. Brother cowboy won't be home from the ranch until tomorrow. I've missed him too. We had Christmas together the night before I left and he made me a card and put pictures of this beautiful bedroom furniture suite in the card telling me that it was my Christmas present. I almost fell off the chair. But more importantly, he said some things about how hard I had worked to stabilize myself and how much he cared and got me all teary eyed. It was that part of the present that meant the most...knowing that he realizes that it's now always easy to stay focused and not give in to the mood swings...to be actively aware of "where I am" all the time so I can catch it before it gets away from me. Sometimes I tire of the effort. I'd give anything to be who I used to be - the woman who could do it all---with no side effects. But then that's what I want. Listening to my brother's message put things in perspective: we affect other people's lives.
I'm having a very good time here. Enjoying the visit. My daughter and son=in-law are very relaxed and low key. They are, however, also educated, informed and therefore interesting company. We get up, have coffee, breakfast, watch a movie and then the four of us play a few games on the WII system which Santa brought for Christmas. If you haven't heard of this, it's an interactive gaming system where you play, for instance, bowling and actually get up and go through the movements of throwing the ball and it appears on the screen of the TV. It is unbelievable technology. I cana tell you that my bwling on the WII system far surpasses my physical abilities in any bowling alley in America! We went out to exchange a couple oof presents and I bought a new purse. Took my grand daughter over to her boyfriend's house...took a mile walk this morning. And we ate...a number of times.
We've had a number of political discussions which I have enjoyed. Warched a copy of the movie An Inconvenient Truth. It is amazing and will make you think. For those of you unfamiliar with the book and movie, it is about the problems the earth and its population face in the not to distant future from global warming...(in our grand children's lifetimes - worst case scenario). It's well done, not boring and should be required watching. Thought provoking. My thought? If more people watched it perhaps more solutions might be thought of.
We've had discussions of various things, sex, drugs, violence, movies and their impace on children and society. with the children joining in. It's been so enjoyable. Reminds me of when my five were young...no subject was offlimits for discussion. So here's to mental stimulation. Something that's been lacking in my life. May you have plenty in yours. m
Everyone has gone to bed and, as luck would have it, the computer happens to be in the study as is the guest bed at my daughter's. It has been a busy couple of days getting ready for Christmas with picking up last minute items, wrapping and more wrapping, delivering a present to her principal (she is a teacher), and I spent an afternoon making fudge with my grandson and his friend. It's all been at a moderate pace, though with plenty of time to laugh and joke and visit, watch a movie or two and generally have a good time. I've talked with my son and wished him a Merry Chistmas and tried to reach the other daughter. My brother seems to be keeping busy in the workshop and enjoying his time alone.
Tonight we tried to go to 5:00 Mass and the church was crowded and people were "saving seats" so that although you were there, and there seemed to be plenty of available seating...people were telling you"this is saved for my mother...uncle,...etc. My daughter got so annoyed We went outside the chuch and she said I'm nnot feeling at all good and charitable about church right now...and more and more people were coming all the time. It was standing room only. We decided to meet their friends for fish and chips at 6:00 and come back for the 10:00 mass. I am so glad we did. The Church was full but there were seats for us and the service was beautiful. Turned out that the priest we had wanted to hear say Mass, actually was at the 10:00. We all came out of there feeling inspired to be better people and reminded of the meaning of Christmas. It was nice for me to be able to share that with my family. I don't always attend church regularly as I don't drive and transportation is a problem. At any rate, for all of you, I hope your Christmas is one of joy, happiness, peace and love. m
Do you see what I see? as the song goes...yes, people everywhere, I see that getting caught up in the holiday spirit and the haste and hapless attehtion to detail which always follows when I am hurried, I am having to be more and more focussed on what I am doing just in order not to appear a half=wit. I'm sorry, but failure to take care of getting these shopping detaiils handled sooner on your part, does not constitute an emergency on mine! I have such an attitude. Really, I am resenting this bipolar condition once again because this is one of the occasions when it rises sto the fore and waves its hand to gain everyone's attention...Look everyone, Michel is forgetting things because she is under pressure. I'm apt to burn the dinner; forget to feed the dog; forget my pills; stay up way too late sitting at the computer because I'm oblivious to time. I'm just in a general state of instability...and spending money..oh yes I've done a little too much of that. Thank God there are no available men around here or I might get myself in real trouble. ha ha. I'm just about completely ready for Christmas. Looks like my brother isn't going to San Diego with me so it will be just me at my daughter's family for Christmas. Hate to leave my brother alone. We'll have Christmas together on Wednesday night before I leave on Thursday. Tomorrow is my appt with Dr. Burden my therapist...haven't seen her for three weeks and I've been missing that. Then the last minute shopping for Christmas stockings; pick up prescriptions froom my pdoc and get them in the mail. finish packing and I'm off to California. Maybe I'll calm ddown after tomorrow's errands are over. But we all know that a little instability is just par for the course...hoping it stays at that.
I'M TRYING TO INSERT THE HTML CODE IN FOR THE BIPOLAR PLANET WEBRING. I'VE PUT IT IN THE TEMPLATE IN SEVERAL DIFFERENT PLACES (NOT ALL AT THE SAME TIME - I'M NOT THAT HOPELESS) BUT THE LOGO ISN'T SHOWING UP. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?
I had a wonderful experience today...I hadn't expected it...in fact, I was kind of dreading the 9:00 appointment at the house with a nurse coming to take some information and blood samples for a life insurance policy. Whether or not they will find me fit is the subject for another blog...but as Janet arrived, large bag in tow, she gave me the most genuine smile. She lit up clear to the creases around her almond-shaped brown eyes. I warmed to her immediately and recognized that feeling that you have known someone since you were in your 20's. I offered her coffee and she took it like I do "I'll have some coffee in my coffee". We set to work filling in information on a form until we reached the question on mental illness, bipolar, and alcohol and were discussing how to answer when she revealed she understood...she had a daughter, age 30, Bipolar I, schizophrenic...currently in jail for accosting her with a heavy object; this not being the first time, she had had to put her in jail to protect herself and her son - the son of her daughter whom she has adopted.
She went on to tell how in jail they really don't insist they take their meds so the daughter is completely out of control and how until she is out of jail, there is nothing she can do to help her. This was a woman in pain. A registered nurse who has tried working through the public mental health system all to no avail. She has spent the past 11 years trying to get treatment for a mentally ill daughter. And nothing will get better because the daughter is in denial. She won't try.
It occurred to me that somewhere in this great land there must be someone, some group, some way to get social security for this daughter so that she has a means to live. So that she can afford a private doctor...A means to get Medicaid to cover the remainder.
Janet and I continued visiting through the appointment which we managed to make last three hours! We visited about many things. When she left, we had exchanged phone numbers and each made a new friend. We laughed at many of the same funny things and had similar roles in the family...I had at one time, what she has now. We both are musicians...But I promised her something else. I told her that I was going to do some research to find out if there wasn't someone who could help with her problem with her daughter. By mid afternoon, I had found a support group to help her; and found a group which deals with getting benefits for people with disabilities.. I have also offered to help with filling out the forms for Social Security for her.
One of the problems encountered is this...if the forms were all filled out and ready to sign...how to get them to her to sign in jail. Anyone have any ideas on that one.
Yes, there is a buzzing in the back of my brain...like an ongoin conversation which I am forced to tune out as I go about my very hectic pace. I'm trying to get all the decorations up and my brother hadn't until Thursday let me know if we were going to San Diego for Christmas and when and for how long. and I wasn't sleeping up until two nights ago. My creative juices are not just flowing but gushing and, of course, it's a real high. I'm multitasking like never before zipping from one project to another...There are paints, wall papwe books, porcelain pieces, photos, scrapbooking equipment, baskets and Christmas decorations spread out in four different rooms. The house looks like the state of my mind. Periodically, I stop and clear the clutter, put everything into some semblance or order and then proceed on lest my brother should sense a little mania here. So far, he has been so busy chasing his own ideas, he hasn't noticed, Thank God. I completed a set of three handpainted porcelain cherub angels playing musical instruments. They took me a day, but they are lovely...such small features - They were only two inches tall. The porcelain old fashioned Santa for my youngest daughter is complete. He was finished in both chalk and paint. On his back, I made a cloth bag which is "full" and coming out the top are miniature toys: a baseball bat, a 3-piece wooden train, a fuzzy teddy bear, a leather baseball mitt. (These can be found in the hobby stores for dollhouse supplies.) He is about 16 inches high with a red hooded suit and knee-high brown boots. I also made some
"This is not a christmas present" wrapping paper to wrap a scrap book I made for friends who are having a house built. They have been adamant that we not exchange gifts this year; however, I made this scrapbook for them to remember the building of their house and later, fun times in their new home. It starts with a picture (wallpaper) of a country house; a story of buying and building the country house; a picture of a framed house and pages for pictures while it is being constructed; pictures I took of the initial day of construction; a page labeled Texas Memories on a sheet of wallpaper of blue with Texas stars and an end page showing (wallpaper) a house in the country with some sheep and a sign "The End". We took it to them this afternoon and she really liked it. Also gave her a little 4x6 "Fat book" to write down things to be done re the house construction, picking out things, etc. and to be funny, attached a little 3 foot tape measure and a little level...both miniatures She got a kick out of that. I've been having a ball. I've been making some presents and buying others with an eye toward keeping money under control. I'm feeling really good. And I'm sleeping.
I have a confession to make. I decided to see what would happen if I just quit taking my antidepressant. Since I started the Abilify, the depression went away. So, I don't want to stop the Abilify. But since the Abilify and the depression going away, sleep has eluded me. So I stopped the Wellbutrin...I feel good and I am sleeping through the night.
I'll have to tell my pdoc eventually, but for now...I'm just going to let it go unless it starts not working. I think the buzzing will stop if I would slow myself down. This past week was the decorate the tree and house week. Now that is over and the plans have been made for where we are going to be for Christmas...I think things will calm down.
I can remember when people started putting up their outside decorations for Christmas two weeks before...and eventually it became the day after Thanksgiving. This year, the lights were going up two weeks BEFORE THANKSGIVING! What's ths rush? And in keeping with this insanity, there is the Black Friday shopping day in which I refuse to participate. Standing outside the door of a store with 1500 other individuals all waiting for the store to open so they can battle it out for sale items is not a sport in which I will compete. I have always had a dread of confined spaces, shortages of oxygen, sweaty bodies, and crowded conditions. I have no tolerance for people who are inconsiderate, thoughtless and rude. Now, just tell me this isn't a prime location for such behavior.
So having recited the above, I thought, silly me, that on the 4th of December, a Monday morning, it should be relatively uncrowded in Hobby Lobby. I would venture in there and pick up some miniature ornaments for a Christmas project, and three packages of garland for the 9 foot tree my brother brought home on Sunday. Well, what a surprise! When Karen my cab driver arrived at Hobby Lobby the entire parking lot was packed. I think every woman from my end of town was in that store! Doesn't anyone work anymore? I did find what I needed; however, the picking was slim. I think everyone must have a Christmas tree up and decorated by now. I am amazed...I swore I wouldn't get into that kind of crowd. Next year I shop in November -- the 10th!
In closing, I heard this morning on the news that the reporter was shocked to learn that they are painting the Christmas trees in the lots because they are dead and look unappealing. Now isn't that a great idea? What kind of fire hazard might that be? And...let's just buy those trees a little earlier yet!
Thought: If bipolar people are a little unstable, are these folks sane?
Ever have the past raise its ugly head and remind you that you are bipolar? Well, I did in the form of a legal action for a bill that dates back to 2002..an account I don't remember and have no record of
in my files. I've been sent a copy of a statement showing it was sent to me at this address - which I did not reside at until a year later!
That's the bad news.....the facts are that I'm like many of us - disabled, on social security. Plus I don't even drive or own a car; don't own a house, stock, etc. I have my personal belongings and a dog. If this company were to go through with their legal action and get a judgment, my personal belongings are within the exempt property limit. but what about the dog?
Well, considering all of that I looked at what the principal on the acct was back in 2002 -- about $600. Meanwhile, they are suing for $1,327.00 plus costs and more interest. So I denied the account was mine but offered to settle their claim with a one time offer of $600 "because the stress of the matter was affecting my health"
They wanted more.
Here's the twist. I was a paralegal for a long time...I'm not competent in that type of law, but I'm competent enough to file an Answer and some formal discovery, i.e., I am going to file a Request for Production of Documents and ask for all the records. That is going to cost them attorney/paralegal time. After I see all their records I will be able to see if the account was too old for them to file suit; if the account wasn't mine; if there was a dispute about the charges on the account; etc. I don't know what will happen but I intend to have a little fun doing what I enjoyed doing for a living for so many years. At least I'm going to make them do some work. Turns out there's an article on the internet about this partiicular firm of collection lawyers They are known to be particularly sleazy and there is an effort being made to stop them! Interesting.
Don't worry...I'm not going to let them have the dog.
The last of the turkey has gone down the disposal and I am truly satiated and nauseated at the thought of any more of the noble bird. We had one prepared in the traditional style, one deep fried, one smoked and, yes, even the Cajun Turduckin! For those of you who have never heard of this delicacy,it is a deboned chicken inside a deboned duck inside a deboned turkey, the whole thing with stuffing between the birds and intact resembling a normal turkey. There were diverse stuffings vegetables, the traditional and the unusual all served buffet style and then the 19 of us sat down to the long linen covered table, set with old family china and silver and were thankful for being able to come together in the company of family and friends where we are free and unoppressed.
We had such a good time...my daughter and family from California...my daughter from here and family...our closest Texas friends. And of course, there is not enough room in my dining room for 19 people. My brother and I cleaned the workshop/partyroom and decorated it with scarecrows and autumn leaves, etc. The movable work tables were covered with linen cloths for the buffet. Parts were removed from the table saw which became a linen-covered table as well. Two long tables were bought for dining. They were put up 25 minutes before dinner. Prior to that the area was a room for visiting. The electronic dart board was set up...also a table with a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle on which everyone worked at one time or another. The picture of a cowboy by a wagon with his horse got finished this morning...but was almost complete when the company left last night. It's to be framed and hung in the workshop.
My brother also wanted to remember this special gathering and he and J wrote a Declaration memorializing the gathering and future gatherings in the workshop known as VFW #245. They wrote it to sound like the Declaration of Independence but with silliness...like "there shall be certain rights including a good time shall be had by all" etc. Ruth wrote it out in calligraphy on a large (20 x 30) piece of parchment and he had it framed and everyone signed it as agreeing with the purpose of the VFW#245 and that they had attended the event on Nov. 23, 2006. Actually he and his friends have named the workshop VFW#245 and have a branding stamp they use on wood projects they make. He put the stamp on the top of the Declaration and it did look quite official!
We also had my birthday celebration on Friday (belated from the 19th) The girls wanted to do it while they were here together. I was truly spoiled -- rotten spoiled. and I thank them one and all. One good thing is that I received some walking suits, hat and a pedometer/heart rate monitor. This will insure that I start my walking program I have been contemplating.
We found plenty of time to just sit around and talk; old times were remembered and laughed over;time to sit in the hot tub and swim in the pool...yes it was COOL outside...but it was fun. My grandson is like a fish and he couldn't get enough swimming. I was able to find time to talk with my quiet granddaughter and hear of her plans for summer and for college next year. And of all that she is doing in school this year. So a bunch of levity and nonsense and good old fashioned fun was had by all.
I look at the two daughters and their families and know that they are well and that I must have done alright in raising them. And I am truly thankful.
I made an appointment and went to see my pdoc on last Thursday because I was vacillating between panic attacks and depression....I was a mess. He is so good...three days and I'm like a different person. I told him what seemed to help with the panic attacks; asked about one medicine we had tried before; he mentioned a possible interaction between two of my meds; and then we decided what to do.
RESPECT. It's always that way with him...a joint decision. His theory is that it is my illness and I need to understand it and the medications...because he might not always be my doctor. I should know what works and how and with what, etc. And that's why I like my pdoc. He respects me and my right to be in charge of my illness.
MEDICATION. With any medication, he explains what type of medication it is, how it works, possible side effects, and how we are hoping it will affect me. He tells me the strength of dosage he would like to prescribe and what the highest strength is. Then he asks if I want to try it. Likewise, if I am having mood swings, depression or mania he will explain that when "X" happens, sometimes increasing/decreasing medication "Y" is effective to stabilize the mood.
or...if there is an alternative he will mention that;perhaps adding another drug or changing an existing one. In the end, he will discuss the possibilities with me and the decision is a joint decision. I will add a caveat to this, if I am in a state where I am not thinking clearly, he does not ask me but simply prescribes the appropriate medication. That has only happened once!
MANNER. My pdoc is from India, in his mid 40's, impeccably dressed and quite good looking. He is obviously very intelligent; yet, he holds himself with dignity and shows respect for everyone he sees. He is friendly, comes forward to shake your hand and ask how you are and,after we have discussed my medication, he and I often end up having a little discussion about politics or something. He is fascinating in a discussion of current affairs because of his cultural views. His personal experience living in a country with an "Islamic-based" government is intriguing and his understanding of the Middle East and Israel and Palestine is amazing. He has great respect for people and life and I have great respect for him.
Technorati ProfileI am of good cheer this morning. My daughter and her family are going to come for Thanksgiving after all. It turned my world right-side up so quickly. In talking to her I mentioned that I had finished a book by Joyce Carol Oates and we were discussing her characters. My daughter said, "I keep thinking how messed up they are and how they wouldn't have these problems if they would just go to therapy!" Of course, if they had gone to therapy, there would be no story for the book, either.
It made me stop and think though of how much difference my therapist makes in my life. I remember the therapists I had before her, and only one other came close. She helps me keep my playing field level and aware of where I am. If I go for more than two weeks without seeing her, I am in trouble. I have accepted this is something I need. Especially since I don't get out much...it is like having a close friend to talk to.
This is one of those days when I am mad about being bipolar. I'm mad that I don't drive because I'm bipolar...it's not worth the fight I would have to have with my brother and kids for the small amount of driving I woud do ... but I hate the lack of independence it creates. Granted I can call Karen and pay her to drive me; but that gets expensive after awhile. So I was counting on a friend (older friend) who I don't like to ask to take me too many places because she gets tired and I feel like I'm imposing, etc....so I start feeling like a burden and my morale goes to hell. and my mood goes below the "NORMAL" line and we start a little depression going. I used to get mad at things like that but it doesn't do any good to get mad because I'm not going to do anything about it.....I couldn't afford a car even if I argued with everybody about driving and there's no way my brother is going to let me drive any of his vehicles...so we're right back to square one. I guess I just needed to blow off some steam. I'll get up tomorrow and won't need to go anywhere and life wiill probably look fine after I take my morning cocktail of meds. The good news is I'm still losing weight.
You may think that a funny title...It smacks me in the face as I still feel like 30, look like 50, but actually will be 61 in less than a month. But to think that it has been 45 years since I was 15 seems like faulty math! At any rate, I received an e-mail from a fellow whom I knew not only in my Freshman year of high school, I actually went to grade school with him. We lived in Denver, Colorado at the time, approx. 1000 miles from Houston. We exchanged several emails and I learned that, like me, he had a career in the oil and gas industry, was retired, single, and living in the Houston area!
Last Sunday he called and we talked for about an hour. He was very easy to talk to as we caught up on the past 45 years. He has a ranch near Austin. is into woodworking and did most of the building of his ranch house. He spends 4-5 days a week at the ranch. It is located central to his three sons who are very important in his life, along with his grandchildren. I have written another email which he said he was looking forward to receiving when he got home from the ranch. I don't know if anything will come of this, but I hope he calls again.
This seasonal thing has had me in a strange mood for a couple of weeks...it's affected my ability to think clearly and my general enthusiasm for anything. I'm glad to say that I noticed a difference come Monday of this week. I woke up early --wide awake and raring to go. Now that was a real change of pace, let me tell you.
I got up and ate my breakfast, took my pills, made my bed and called my girls -- two large dogs: a red chow/retriever mix and a red Doberman, Hattie and Rhiannon. I've always walked my dogs separately;however, I decided to try something new. I had a new item called a "Halti". It is a kind of "collar" that goes on the head and nose of a dog and fastens to the leash. It is designed, supposedly, to keep the dog from pulling. Rhiannon is notorious for pulling on the leash. So, I put the Halti on her. Got both dogs hooked up together on one leash and we were off for a walk. It was just 7:45 in the a.m. Lately at 7:45 I've been staring into a cup of coffee wishing I were back in bed and wondering what could be my purpose in this world... This was a nice change!
Where we live it is called "The Livable Forest". The community was built in a forested area where they cut only the trees necessary to clear the site where a house or a small shopping strip was to be built. All other trees were left; thus, it is a community with many old and tall trees which, by the way, cannot be cut unless they are dying or diseased. Behind the houses and through some empty grassy areas, there are walking paths which wander through the neighborhoods. It is truly like a walk in the forest. I felt happy walking through the fallen leaves and looking at their changing colors and remembered Fall in Michigan when I was young. There I remember some of the leaves turned vibrant oranges and reds. I thought maybe the change of seasons is not a reason to be so sad. Maybe I need to go outside and look at the leaves, feel the crisp air, and appreciate the season for what it has. I probably need to talk to myself in a positive way about it is Fall and time to get ready for the holidays. Start working on Christmas projects. And Get Outside. (See I stay in the house way too much).
We followed the path through the leaves until we came to a bridge and opted to make a turn. By then the girls were walking at an even pace. For the first time of walking them together, they did suprisingly well. I don't let my dogs have a loose leash but make them heel. Walking two large dogs side-by-side at your left heel can be a challenge but they did beautifully after the first few minutes. There was one hairy instance when a squirrel darted across the path and Rhiannon lunged to go after it. I gave a firm "No" and yanked hard on the leash and she stopped...Thank God...because she is very strong and quite capable of attempting to drag me along with her -- especially should Hattie decide to join in for the chase! But she minded in exemplary fashion. When they started to look like they were tiring, I headed us for home. We had been gone about 45 minutes. Not bad for a first time and 10 year old dogs. The Halti has turned out to be a good device. Now that I can walk them together, I will probably work it into my schedule either daily or every other day.
What is it about the change of season that rattles our cage and brings down that pall,that sense of hopeless useless feeling where motivation has abandoned us and we are sure there is nothing of importance left in our life. Nothing that can't go on fine without us. I hear the call of "doing nothing" -- a goal I have sneered at all my life now actually seems appealing. What is happening in my brain. Is it transforming into some new substnce incapable of innovative articulate and creative thought? Where hass the real "me" gone...I am being transformed into some vegetative state. It worries me...what if it doesn't change back..This mood is bleak...black...blindly terrifying if I think about it too much. But then that takes energy I don't have. Physically I am exhausted. I could sleep for hours. I have pushed...rationalized...argued with myself laying out all the reasons for pursuing my responsibilities...but my self is weakening daily as the season proceeds.
Is it the change of sun - less light, heading toward winter - seasonal affective disorder...is this what is happening... Do I need more time out of doors...a light box? More exercise outside? Someone enlighten me....I can't afford to stick around waiting for the next mood swing. I am aware of a number of us having this problem. Comments are welcome....I know one thing...it's not the meds...they have stayed constant..This started when the weather changed from hot and sunny to cooler and rain showers' breezy weather, cool evenings. Somebody explain this. Forward this to your friends....
It never ever fails to surprise me how quickly my mood can pivot and plunge to the depths of hell. I don't have to do a thing...Just a fact situation can present itself and KABLOOEY!!!!!!!!! The pit in the stomach because I have to face something unpleasant and the mood swing is on. Now, I know that everyone is affected by this type of thing when they face an unpleasant situation; the difference is their mood swings are not really "mood swings".. What I mean is, they are affected during the time of the situation and then they recover and go on about their business. For those of us who are bipolar it is a different story. There is a swing of mood that hangs on after the immediate event...the event stays with us in a form of depression. Case in point...Not one of my brighter examples of motherhood...but my youngest daughter had been quite rude to a group of my brother's friends at a couple of gatherings at the house. I don't know what her problem is, but lately she has been acting in a "superior" manner, talking down to people, making fun of their life styles and politics. She certainly wasn't raised that way. I had to talk to her about her behavior and let her know that she couldn't come to parties and treat guests in that way. Her response was unacceptable. It was resolved that she wouldn't come anymore if the friends were here...she truly believes she is better than they are. I felt it my duty as a mother to speak to my daughter about her behavior. I am speechless about her attitude and embarrassed at her extreme lack of manners. I told her that she ought to look within herself if she was judging others and that she was in the wrong.
So for several days I have been in a general funk. Feeling like "where did I go wrong with this daughter? Where is she getting this 'I'm a successful 36 year old business woman and I can speak to people any way that I want to'?" We will be having a birthday party for my brother on next Saturday and that is the reason the conversation had to happen. The friends had said they would not come to get together here anymore if she was going to be here since she had been so hurtful and rude to them. I didn't want any of our friends to feel unwelcome here. I had to have the conversation with my daughter about her offensive behavior. I have called a mutual friend to tell him when inviting people to the party to let them know that his niece will not be here. The whole situation is very sad. But my daughter is in the wrong. Hopefully, she will mature and realize that we value people as human beings not for what they have or their politics.
But being bipolar, this has caused a full-blown mood swing. I'm having trouble fighting off the depression into which this necessary conversation threw me. I just want to go to bed and sleep. I have good friends which have taken me out of the house to lunch and have come over and kept me company. I have made myself work on chalking a ceramic nativity set and work on the internet. Maybe when I go shopping for my brother's birthday on Wednesday and get involved with our friend John in planning the party, I will pull out of this depression. or maybe extra fish oil??? ha-ha
I was never around my natural father very much growing up. I got to know him as an adult by spending two days with him at 25, telephone conversations infrequently over the years and finally a week with him at 55.
This is a brief writing based on a day during that week.
I can see all this in his eyes. He has perceptible burnt umber eyes, even getting older. His age, beginning to show, his eyes have never changed. They still SPEAK !! Sometimes it is difficult to explain to others the relationship which we have. We are close although we have been apart and he has not handled his responsibility to me....He has not seen to it that I know who he is and who that part of my family is nor that there is a link and family connection there.
He alleged a theory that Mom saw I had a family and he didn't want to mess it up. That is so much bull shit and I have told him so.... There is room in people's lives for a mom and a dad's second families.. I believe this....At 55 I have come to my peace with him and he knows what I think. But he had to hear the truth from me. This was one lady the man could not charm. He was always charismatic. Women appeared from nowhere. Being a singer in a band (big band era), he had his groupies....and that was problematic to say the least. It certainly had to do with the end of his marriage to my mother...she just wasn't the understanding type when he told her he was in love with two women,
But we understand each other and why it happened as it did. We are both bipolar. We can feel it in each other: the exuberance, the love of life and people, thought, human possibility and music and all family. But I know he gets the melancholy that goes with this illness
They say bipolar runs in families
and they may be right, you know.
It seems to choose the "Shiners",the artists,
those who like the show.
Dad, you were the "entertainer" singing
in the night clubs - always flirting
fought the problems of addiction,
bad marriages, ended up hurting.
Relationships have been a hard thing
for us to commit to somehow it seems.
We've had marriages and divorces
and everyone upset in our schemes.
by moving to the country from the town.
but my moods still cycle up and down.
Your face reminds me of Pagliacci.
I know that smile covers a sad brood
of the melancholic bipolar person
whose life is controlled by swings of mood.
