Friday 630

Chloral hydrate. -- a hypnotic used for sleep -- also, an amusing aside, what is known as "knock out drops", a Mickey Finn... This had no effect on my sleep last night. ............which has led to a re-evaluation of my current state of affairs.....I think we have in the past two days passed up the rapid cycling and zoomed into a full manic state. Oh Boy! There were days in the past when I would have been titillated by the very thought of such an orgasmic adventure. I've been "on the healthy side for too long now, though, to know the price I will pay for the great creative fun, the hours up on end, ... granted it's fun to feel the intense emotions I had with my soul mate - the wild behavior - the unbelievable connection which inspired this poem

My knight in dripping armor jostled me rushing in to shore.
Fearing an ocean in my lungs and hearing my final gulp of air
he threw me down upon the sand.
Frantically he worked til "rhythmic" CPR.
My chest was full and throbbing .
I was struggling to come back.
But then a cough, a heave and
a feeling I had reached a destination.
I searched the face above me:
eye to eye and soul to soul.

I’m long past magic and heroes,
Make-believe or fairytale scenes.
I’ve never seen this or any knight before;
"Dripping armor," "shining" or otherwise.
So how do I know those willow green eyes
and that voice that finally spoke, “Milady.”?

But all the good that comes of this mania is countered by a winged journey to the dark side once I reach the peak of creativity. The body cannot keep up with the demands of the mind to keep on going. Create! it demands... Read to my soul of those sweet words written by other intellects like us. Remain awake and enjoy our time while it is "On" for someone will soon come and CALM US. They will contain us.... Put us back into our structure where we fit so well with the OTHERS.... That, I have determined, is the reason that we do not "fit"/// and that is the reason that the "cure" is to make us like the OTHERS.

Why, indeed, is not the cure to find a way to utilize the creativity, intellect, sensitivity and what other increased abilities we have and give the physical difficulties relief...Without regard to making us fit in with the others. Perhaps there is a reason we are different. Perhaps we have a purpose. Just a thought. But you will recall, there was a time when people like us had nothing to do but develop our talent -- people like Chopin, Mozart, Davinci, ...The rich sponsored their work. Maybe we were more civilized -- had our priorities on art, culture, beauty, better placed than on the almighty dollar andd "he who dies with the most toys wins".

Thurs 629

I'm going at the same rate of speed. Up, breakfast, feed dogs, clean kitchen, try to get my mind working by doing a few games of computer solitaire. Didn't work, I fell asleep. Jarred awake by a call from my daughter wanting to know if my brother is in the states,,,some catastrophe involving loans that are closing today but not funding til Monday and a lack of money needed today and commentary on how things should work how they are supposed to. She is livid. She needs a break. I venture a statement things usually get fouled up which isn't what she wants to hear., she says. I give her my brother's cell number guess she is going to ask him for helpd...At the end she asks if my meds are working:

"No, not totally, only for the rapid cycling...not for the sleeping. I haven't been sleeping. The doc
called in something yesterday for sleep but the pharmacy didn't have it until today so I didn't sleep last night. He had samples for me but I couldn't get a hold of anyone to pick them up."

"Well why didn't you call me. What happens if you don't get the pills?"

"There was only 20 minutes left in the day to get them. You wouldn't have had time to get here. If I don't get the pills, I don't get some sleep, it will make the rapid cycling worse." Don't worry, I'm used to running into the problem of not being able to get where I need to be or have the bipolar kickup and do something weird....

Long pause.. 'Well, okay mom, I guess I'll call you back after awhile. I hope things get better for you soon.

It's funny how accepting I have become of the fact that things will go wrong -- that some things I have no control over -- that I don't have any more right to expect that things should go right than the guy next to me....We are all in this together...It's just a dice roll. Some days you win...some days you lose. I'm not saying you shouldn't take whatever measures to put things in line for the good outcome...by all means do....but lady luck is out there...yes sirree.. Miki

So I added water to my bed to see if it were firmer if my sleep would improve; laundered all my bedding, cleaned my room and closet, did all my laundry - perhaps a sense or order and peace will help with this insomnia? And then I cleaned the guest room and its closet, sending to the garage those things which have to do with Bill's cooking and entertaining and keep that closet from being functional in the way that it should for the household. And on to the cupboards in the bar and several in the kitchen. Of course I worked in a few things like creating some notepaper and then writing our regrets to a nephew's wedding invitation; shampooed two dogs; laundered, folded and put away three loads of my brother's clothes; filled in my mood chart and journaled a bit plus took pills on time, bathes, hair, makeup, and all other necessary healthy things. Sounds like I;m doing well, yes? I'm accomplishing a lot -- I'm not sure for what purpose -- Please note there is no human interaction in there -- no intellectual stimulation --Ate my dinner alone around 7:00p -- Bill not home yet. Ruth came over but she sat and played solitaire on the computer. Dr. S called in a new med for the insomnia; but the drugstore didn't have it and won't until tomorrow. Could have picked it up from his office but Ruth and Karen couldn't be found to drive me. So I'm hoping the firmer bed will do the job.

It is interesting how I can be stimulated and not alone when sitting with a good book which there is no one in the house. and yet be so lonely when everyone is here and on their own page. They really don't get me. Night to all of you. I'm really ok - just feel like I'm invisible. Miki

Tuesday 626

I used to have another blog. For a long time it gave me release. I made some good friends there. But it doesn't really matter if blogs run in consistency I guess. That's just my compulsive need for order, for sense which my life does not always have. Lately it has none. Rapid cycling for around six or seven weeks for no apparent reason except that I am bipolar for no apparent reason.. So I'm back. I'm a retired paralegal, living with my brother. Single and intending to stay that way because relationships are to difficult for those of us with this disorder. I've been llucky enough to have met two soulmates in this lifetime....Did I mention they were bipolar? You guesssed it the relationships were troubled.

Right now I am exhausted from cycling; on klonopin which seems to be helping the rapid cycling; having trouble getting back into a semi structure. Just about the time I thing things are going well, some thing weird happens -- like I lose track of where I've been...or something I just had my hands on. The Ativan was working pretty well. I may try one of those just to see if I can get my bearings. Thiis reminds me of the time right before Iwent on abilify. or the time Alice went down the rabbit hole! Who knows maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and be someone else.

Sunday 625

At the top of the chart still; no relief in sight; the unknowing believe it to be a walk in the park as we are in our structure. The meds are taking the edge off but of course, meds being what they are, an imperfect science, they are but a bite off the edge.. I'd like to leap into space and do........ WHAT?