GRAPHIC SURGICAL PICTURES OF BILL'S HAND

PICTURES OF BILL'S HAND 10 DAYS AFTER SURGERY

Inside of hand. Over 100 stitches. Nerves damaged in little finger. Thumb slight nerve damage but repaired. Has use of thumb. No feeling in third, fourth, fifth fingers. In intensive therapy.

Exercises 15 minutes every hour awake.

Saw cut into palm of hand. Severed all arteries, muscles, nerves, tendons. Cut off index finger. Severed third and fourth fingers - hanging at palm by skin. Third and fourth fingers were reconstructed using parts from index finger and reattached. Prognosis is with diligence he may recover full use of the hand.

Microsurgeon/Handsurgeon was plastic surgeon as well. Reconstructed hand to appear as if

normal hand with three fingers.

PICTURES OF BILL'S HANDS 10 DAYS AFTER SURGERY

MICELLO'S MUSINGS

It's funny how we can get attached to "things". Especially things into which we have put a lot of ourselves. I once had another blog -- It was my first blog starting in August of 2004...I had it for a long time and it felt like home. One day I did something bipolar and eliminated a password or username and couldn't access it anymore.

I've had a couple of blogs since, but none has seemed like home. Bipolar Bytes..I've had the longest.. Finally with some help from the tech support, I've managed to retrieve Micello's Musings and all the heartfelt writings and comments that went in there. I am going to start moving my writings back that way...so if you don't mind,,,look for me at MICELLO'S MUSINGS. CLICK "MICELLO'S MUSINGS" JUST BELOW THIS BLOG.

Some of you may have seen this before, although I have been editing it a bit. Some of us cycle quite often and stability is a hard concept for us to imabine. This poem is dedicated to them...... I have been stable for quite a long period for me...several weeks..and am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Michele

Who We Are

To the Rapid Cyclers

Some of us are wide awake
and gladly greet the day,
Others pull the curtains tight
and damn the light away.

We must pursue an altered path
from those of stability;
Our moods are charged with many
bursts of manic-ability.

Great leaps of ebullience
we've often great zest for the game
Only to be followed by
hellish descents to mental pain.

We always feel more acutely.
It's not a figment of our mind.
Our mood’s take charge completely.
And the episodes unwind.

Now, a grandiose feeling!
It's a blast from the past.
Then down with sudden distress
from bad news that's forecast.

One minute we're elated and glad.
The next we're gut-wrenching mad.
Tread on down the path til we're sad.
It's a fate that's exceedingly bad

Why is it we can't plan this
riotous mood switching?
These roller coaster rides
leave us trembling and twitching.

Finally we fall back to a state of stability
Our mood levels off to a happy even keel.
But do not acquire a false sense of normalcy.
Only the mood swings are real!

Do not be fooled, stability does not last for long!


November 2004

TO DISCLOSE OR NOT

What is madness? to disclose that you are in fact bipolar? The world we live in is not altogether ready for us. And if you read the definition of a bipolar person, their attributes generally include superior intelligence, high levels of energy,
outstanding creativity and imagination. and go on to say that most of us on proper medication can lead fairly normal lives. Now, I would argue that point from the inside of a bipolar person -- it's usually a desperate struggle to lead that life and a constant tweaking of meds -- but hey, the statement is true...We're as normal as the next guy. No serial killers here. We don't generally break down and go into psychotic fits in front of all to see. Give me a break. When are we going to have parity in mental health and realize that the brain is part of the body. A chemical imbalance in the brain is no ddifferent than a chemical imbalance in the pancreas -- one needs lithium....one needs insulin. Ever see anyone go into diabetic shock...They can look a bit crazy too! Disoriented, confused..and then passed out.

But just tell someone you are bipolar and watch their face. It goes into all kinds of wierd contortions and then a smile and then they look for the escape because they don't know what to do. They are afraid of it. People are afraid of mental illness. And they will continue to be until we all stand up and say "I'm bipolar" or "I'm schizophrenic" or "I have personalit disorder" and they learn that nothing bad happens to them.

"Life is a Train of Moods..."

"Dream delivers us to dream, and there is no end to illusion. Life is a train of moods like a string of beads, and as we pass through them they prove to be many-colored lenses which paint the world their own hue, and each shows only what lies in its focus" Ralph waldo Emerson

He makes it sound like a pleasant trip going through all those moods and maybe that should be our goal...to try to find the best there is in the moods that are not too depressed or anxious. But, of course, that sounds good in theory when one is perched one level above elevated mood and things are looking positive. There is something of a truth though about each mood painting the world its own hue and showing only what lies in its focus. I wonder if Mr. Emerson was one of us.

MY SYMPHONY
William Henry Channing

"To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not rich; to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, await occasions, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common : this is to be my symphony."
PRACTICING PEACE
Cathryn Hankla

It's not an idea. As an idea, it's no more powerful than war. It's not a demonstration. We can carry signs on behalf of other problems. It's not an admonition; reproach cannot produce it. It's not historical; we cannot look back and retrieve it. It's not human nature, not a natural behavior. Primitive, we would not know it any better. It might be uncertain. It might be an endless pursuit. It might be a state of mind. It might be a journey. It might be pure energy. It might be a dream. Peaceful is not something we are, that we decided once, or something we do, that is the only route. Like forgiveness, peace is a practice. Moment to moment, it's how we choose to be: when the grill won't start, when the dog keeps barking, when the check bounces, when the train is late, when we are angry and searching for someone to blame.

SNOWBALL: THOUGHTS OF HEAVEN
William Blake

To see the World in a Grain of Sand, and Heaven in a Wild Flower, hold infinity in the palm of your hand, an eternity in an hour. Auguries of Innocence
EMERSON: THE SPIRIT SPORTS WITH TIME
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dream delivers us to dream, and there is no end to illusion. Life is a train of moods like a string of beads, and as we pass through them they prove to be many-colored lenses which paint the world their own hue, and each shows only what lies in its focus

EMERSON: THE SPIRIT SPORTS WITH TIME
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dream delivers us to dream, and there is no end to illusion. Life is a train of moods like a string of beads, and as we pass through them they prove to be many-colored lenses which paint the world their own hue, and each shows only what lies in its focus

THINGS ABOUT BEING BIPOLAR

Do you ever wonder why it's so difficult to be bipolar. I mean just what exactly IS the problem? Is it that we can't count on being the same person from one minute to the next. Having the same amount of energy today as we did yesterday. Is it the way the medications make us feel...the side effects...too much weight, constant diets...irritibility, drowsiness, short term memory loss, "loss of vocabulary", lack of creativity, tremors, depression, mania, the whole gamut of mood swings which the meds were supposed to cure in the first place. Is it that we're supposed to live such an ordered life -- like characters in a book with no deviation -- Or maybe because we're so sensitive and fragile...It doesn't take much to get my world turning.

Consider the external world around you. To tell or not to tell...Will people pity me, be scared of me, shun me, exclude me, discriminate against me, befriend me try -- worst of all -- to be one of us, or just, possibly, accept me. Note that mental health insurance covers only 50% not 80% like physical health claims. Where's parity in health care? Life insurance often won't cover you if you are bipolar. Feel a little discrimination?

I'm lucky. I have a very fine psychiatrist who is up on all the latest medications. He even is active in performing some drug studies and lectures other doctors. He shows me respect and allows me to actively participate in my care and the medical choices made. He educates me on each medication, my body and the disorder. But I have not always had him and I used to worry about the medicines I was on and what they were doing to me and the side effects and when I didn't think they were working I didn't know if it was me or the medicine. Should I call the doctor? What if he thinks I'm overreacting? What if I'm losing my mind? Maybe I'm rapid cycling and need something more.?

No...it's not easy being bipolar. And if you don't have a pdoc you really trust and a therapist to talk to I don't know how you keep from losing your sanity. I'm Bipolar I, rapid cycling....Most bipolar cycles are every 5-6 monoths is what I've read.... I cycle anywhere from 2 days to 4 weeks on an average....I also have a lot of mixed states days. In the last seven weeks, I have been incredibly stable...No mania, depression, mixed states...Slightly elevated mood, highly motivated and very happy. I know this is temporary as the disorder is cyclical. I am enjoying it while it lasts...but I'm watching myself -- tracking my mood quickly each pm before I go to bed.

I can't count on being this happy and focused and productive. If history repeats itself, I'm in for a manic attack. Hope my pdoc has a good antipsychotic in mind.

PART I THE KISS

She was newly single after 27 years of marriage and five grown children. Her 5'6, 105 pound figure was perfect and you'd have guessed her to be 35 not 48. She pushed back her long auburn hair and peered into the mirror. Two azure blue pools of light stared back perplexed. "What is a "kid" of 31 interested in me all about?" He had come up to her at the pool and started a conversation about the book she was studying. He didn't look the type to be interested in books or studying; he was too good looking. Dark hair and green eyes, perfect white teeth and a great smile. He had the easy, smooth manner of a man who is comfortable with himself and the situation. And that made her extremely nervous. They had talked...and talked...and talked...until suddenly she noticed it was hours later and no one was left at the pool except the two of them. He suggested they go to her apartment for a drink and to watch a movie. She confessed that, having just moved in, she didn't have television hooked up yet. He countered with an offer to bring a bottle of Scotch. Oh, this was all moving terribly fast. And now he was on his way up to her apartment. It had been 27 years since she had been on a date and 30 years since she had been with another man...and things were so different these days.

A knock at the door. "Oh, no. he really came." She ran her fingers through her hair and went to the door and let him in. Took the Scotch to the kidchen and asked him to have a seat. He said he'd mix them a drink and went in the kitchen straight to the cupboard, got glasses and fixed two Scotch and waters. "That was strange. How did you know where to go and how I drink my Scotch?" He said that was where he would have kept the glasses and, as to the Scotch, he was an excellent bartender with deja vu. They listened to Eric Clapton and talked, they found they were very alike. Suddenly, he pulled her up "Let's dance" She hadn't danced in years. He held her firmly and she fell into the rhythm as they moved around the room easily. As the music ended, she looked up into his eyes and it hit her! "Those eyes! are going to lead to trouble!" He bent down and kissed her. A kiss like she had not had in her entire life. "Oh yes, this is going to lead me to certain 'trouble'". She was hooked. That quick. Irish eyes will do it every time.


M JCampbell January 28, 2007

TRUST

I've read a number of posts tonight and just finished talking to a friend who has been hurt by someone whom she trusted who let her down. She is someone who trusts easily and didn't see the warning signs. (Like he talked badly about his former girlfriend). I do not trust easily. After a marriage to an alcoholic, I find it difficult to trust. I also think it is hard for us as bipolar people to trust other people. I am never sure what people are thinking about me because I am bipolar.

Then there are those that abuse trust. Because we bipolars tend to be sensitive I think we take things very personal. And I believe that sometimes people sense that in us and take advantage of it. They know that calling us names, or making remarks about our weight (many of us have that problem from our meds) will really cut deeply. That's dirty pool. Somehow we need to get a little tough. Those comments don't make it true. They don't make us bad people. And we shouldn't take it from anyone. Making comments like that is a major violation of trust.

Too often we are quick to trust others with our feelings only to be hurt. Trust has to be earned. If you meet someone who has a story about how bad their expartner was...be wary..You may be hearing a story that is going to be repeated on you down the road! One thing's for sure, people who don't talk about trust issues regarding their expartners are usually good trust risks. And avoid the ones with the green monster syndrome. Jealousy is the arch enemy of trust and a good relationship has to be built on trust. Just a few thoughts from my pen.

COMMUNICATION

One of the things that I find happens to me since being zapped with the bipolar wand is that communication with others can be fragmented. Changes in mood can render me less sociable and I don't realize that I have stopped keeping up my conversations or working on relationships that mean alot to me. All of my children, except one, live out of state and all are married with children and very busy. One of them is technically a stepdaughter and has not been close - her choice (I think because she knows we didn't approve of the way she was living - an abusive relationship - ) I raised her since she was three in my home. She is like my own and I am trying very hard to nurture this relationship. So, for example, this is one relationship that is already fragile. I usually call all my children, and I have five, weekly and I email frequently. I talk with the one here several times a week. But when I am not doing well I don't communicate with my children. I don't call my friends and when someone calls me, I usually try to cut the conversation short. There are a few people I will tell I'm not OK and my resolution is to be more truthful about that with my children. It all goes back to that basic thing you need before you can really get "better" and be in control over this thing....you have to ACCEPT that you are bipolar and that means sometimes I guess I have to admit to others that I'm not doing so well. It frustrates me because I don't like to admit that to anyone. Guess I still need a little work accepting. See below, one of my favorites:

Lord, grant me the
Serenity to accept
the things I cannot change,
Courage to change
the things I can,
and Wisdom to know
the difference.

I've been out to Bill's shop learning how to run the lathe. He's making a 10 foot table which will have wagon wheels (like from a stage coach) at each end instead of legs and in each wheel must go an axle to connect to the long wooden piece running the length of the table. Well, I actually made the axle -- a 7/8" round dowel from a 2" square by 4 foot long piece of Mesquite -- the wood from which the table is made. It was a kick. I'm now certified on the lathe and the chop saw. And of course the shop vac and I know where every single tool lives!

Went to the pdoc today and we had a nice conversation about the customs of some of the countries he has lived in. He is from India and is well travelled in the middle East. Interesting to talk to because he has been in situations where he had to live under their religious-civil law. He says you have no idea what it is like. Trained in India, I find his philosophy of life and medicine very interesting. I have not asked, but I suspect he may be Buddhist. He approved of the cutting back I did on my Wellbutrin and said we must just be on the alert to see which way my mood tends to go when it does finally start moving. Knowing that it is cyclical, it will not stay stable like this forever but if we catch it when it starts to move an adjustment of medication may keep me stable. Living with bipolar is like living in the middle of a high suspense novel. We're constantly on the lookout for signs that we may be a little "off". How positive is that? I told him I thought I would start a mood chart. With my therapist advising that she feels I don't need to come so often, I will have to pay more attention myself. I sort of counted on her to notice signs of my mood changing. Maybe a mood chart will work. At least I'm in a stable enough mood to manage marking one consistently! Any thoughts?

Gotta get going and find a mood chart to use.. Peace to all of you out there.

Just ran across this while sorting some things out and it seemed to fit the day I'm having. I may put some of my poetry on here from time to time. I'm on a mission from God to organize this house. I am of the opinion that clutter occurs when everything does not have its own place to live...it then gets shoved from here to there etc. My darling brother, who hates clutter when he notices it, opens a drawer and shoves it in. This accomplishes two things: It temporarily gets rid of the clutter which then doesn't get handled and (2) renders the drawer useless as being a permanent home for anything. Do you see where I'm going here...In all fairness Bill moved in to this house without much help and certain cupboards and shelves and drawers just got things assigned to them without much thought and there they have remained. My New Years Resolution is to bring some kind of sense to this by sorting closets, cupboards, drawers shelves, etc and putting like with like and tossing all duplicative items. We have a combination house here, that is, a coming together of my mother's things, Bills things and my things so you can imagine that to have five plastic letter openers in three different rooms; envelopes in three different places, etc...That is what I am going to eliminate starting with today's project...cleaning out my mother's desk. My mother passed away two years ago and I started to clean this out once before but got stopped part way through. This time I aim to finish and set it up for the house. So wish me luck with my 2007 Clutter Crusade. The poem below would have applied at a time when I had a career with Mobil Oil Corporation in management, taking some college classes at night, had a daughter in college and a disabled husband at home. The activity level persists still even though I am now home all day, I never get my list of things totally done but it's important to me that this house be in perfect order including all bills filed, things cleaned, laundry done and that I have found time for my creative side as well.

Perfectly Bipolar

I live in a wonderful state of grace
You can tell by the look I wear on my face
I am quite spectacular as a teenager's mom
and a wife and soulmate to her dad,Tom.

I've bipolar disorder, the type NO 1.
The highs and the lows they aren't any fun.
To change your mood like your socks is a drag
But another thing goes along with this bag.

I can't explain the manner in which I excel.
There's nothing I can't do and always well.
From intellect and education I must be best.
Most creative and articulate of all the rest.


But this drive is sure to kill me some day.
Perfectionism is no standard to have to obey.
It's part of my disorder; a brain run amuck.
I appear oh so fit; but I'm just bipolar-struck!

by MJC
copyright May 2004

Jan 10 - THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM???

Things have been going incredibly well. I keep waiting for voices or that retrocharge of energy that sends me rocketing through the house at jet propulsion speed. But I've stayed stable and productive since I returned from San Diego starting with a major overhaul of organizing the storage of all the Christmas crap,,,er, I mean decorations. There is a collection of mine, my brothers and our mothers and that's after I've pitched what we don't want! Finished that project in a couple of days and its all gone off to storage several weeks ago. Then last Thursday the cleaning lady called and wondered if she had said she wasn't coming that day...Told her no, but that if she was comfortable at home as her other lady had cancelled, we could handle it and to have the week off. So that made me the Merry Maids designee and, mind you, my brother had been here by himself with no one picking up after him for a week! He hates clutter...Guess who is the number one generator of clutter? Yep. You catch on quickly. So it's been a new experience for me though. In the past, cleaning went like this: Start in one room, go to get the glass cleaner, stop in another room and start cleaning the glass in there and continue cleaning in there, notice I needed the polish in there. remember I had started in the first room, take the glass cleaner and polish to the first rooom and work in there for awhile. By now, I have two rooms torn up...step into a third room and "just to get that little bit of glass" start picking up and moving things around, room number three is now a disaster...and so forth and so forth until the entire house is in a state of complete upheaval.. The philosophy: You have to tear it up and put it back together. This time, I was able to focus on the living room, dining room and breakfast room on one day; the bathrooms, greatroom floors and vacuuming and mopping all floorss the second day. Tomorrow I will finish by cleaning out the guest bedroom which has caught hell and every paper, bill, art project, litigation case file I'm working on, computer records and it's all filed in neat stacks on the double bed. Quite unsightly. Tomorrow that has to go.

But back to the main thing, through all this confusion...and having my brother home for two weeks (which I am used to having my days along to myself), I'm doing fine. Sleeping okay. Motivated during the day. Not panicking during the day... Just perfedt pretty muchl Hows it going out there?
I am by nature a very organized person who likes a place for everythng and everyting in its place. Life is just easier that way. I'm not obsessive compulsive -- I'm practical. When my ADD is under control and I am focussed, things say in order...when its not..Lord I need a keeper.!!!

went to my therapist and Dr Burden seems to think we can cut back on my therapy. I am afraid...she is my safety net...she sees me when I am starting to fall...I don't always see it....but I will try every other week and see how it goessssss... It's like Linus giving up his blanket. But she truly has given me the skills to cope with my challenges of living with this disorder..and I have her cell phone and emaiil and can call her any time and can come in for an appointment any time needed. So why do I feel so scared. I've also been the "i think I can...I know I can' kind of gal. Does this beat us down so much that we begin to believe we can do nothing about it? oNLY IF WE LET IT. I REFUSE TO DO SO::


I STAND OUTSIDE FEELING ALIVE & HOPEFUL.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG LONG TIME
MY MIND IS CRYSTAL CLEAR LEADING TO A PLAN
TO GO FORWARD POSITIVELY, CREATIVELY AND
DO MY NATURAL THING; EVER MINDFUL AND CAUTIOUS
TO WATCH FOR SIGNS OF A RAPID CYCLING ATTACK.
GOD FORBID SUCH A MISFORTUNE AFTER THIS LONG---
I WOULD RUN -- NOT WALK -- TO MY DOCTOR
FOR A HASTY MED ADJUSTMENT!

BIPOLAR AND PARENTING

A satisfying day - I talked with three of my children. That is one of life's pleasures for me. Knowing that, despite everything that could have gone wrong being raised by an undiagnosed bipolar mother, knowing all that they have gone through with me since 1993 when the disorder exploded into full scale hypomania, suicide attempts, and irrational behavior requiring repeated hospitalizations, I have children who are close, love me and treat me with respect.

No parent is perfect...and parenting is not easy. Children, unlike any other thing we set out to have, DO NOT COME WITH AN INSTRUCTION BOOK. We learn as we go. It's trial and error. I think all you can expect is to be the best parent you can and work hard at it.

My children spent the majority of their time in my 23 year marriage. There were my daughter and son from a previous marriage from ages 5 and 2, my stepdaughter and stepson from his previous marriage for whom we had custody from ages 2 and 3. and our daughter born a year later. After the first year, I worked full time for a major oil and gas corporation in the legal department, ran my 6 bedroom home, took the children to music, dance, etc lessons, was a Campfire Girls leader for my daughter and stepdaughter's troops, canned every Fall, sewed, did ceramics, played the piano. Every night we sat around the table for homework, sometimes the older children helping the younger. I worked with my stepson who was dyslexic. When our youngest was 12 I went back to college at night carrying 9 hours per semester. The children had rules and had to clean their own rooms, help with dinner dishes and were limited to two hours of TV per day. They were not allowed to talk back like kids do today...it wouldn't have occurred to them to do it. They were taught respect for other people and for adults and authority and rules. I never laid a hand on them. I don't believe in violence of any kind. Punishment if needed was taking away a privilege. The worst thing they were subjected to was my manic rate of speed and constantly doing something. I didn't probably tolerate dawdling around. Back then my disorder only showed itself with hypomania..there were mood swings from fast to faster...that's all. I rarely was depressed and if I was it was a situational reason which never lasted for more than a week or so.

That's the way I like to remember it. But there's the part also about not making good decisions and living with an alcoholic husband who occasionally decided to be unfaithful. And the unpleasantness that followed And I didn't leave because I would lose two children that were not mine. But it left my other three in a miserable situation. Quite a Catch-22! That is what I mean by not making good decisions. I can't undo what is done. It did some damage to all five children. But I will always wonder what the right answer as a parent was.

A CHANCE FOR NEW BEGINNINGS

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL and I hope the year brings you stability, happiness and joy in what you do. For today I am thinking how fortunate I am to have stability and happiness and joy most of the time.

For those of you who are just diagnosed and panicking at the thought of medication and a life long illness, there is hope. It is not so grave and terrible as it may seem. For those of you who have been fighting this thing forever...You know, trying to do it without medication....or with less medication...or trying to treat it with natural supplements...or alcohol...or drugs.../ there really is hope for stability with the right doctor relationship, proper medication, and therapy..

I am diagnosed Bipolar I, rapid cycling and fought 10 years before finding stability. I understand your pain and frustration. I have been there I fought it for the first three years taking the medicine. But I would drink and party on the weekend..so, of course, I was unstable and in and out of hospitals every 3 to 4 months. A couple suicide attempts. Then I lost my soulmate...and I got sober. I took the medicine, still convinced that I would get better......I didn't watch things like having a routine, sleep, stress and I was in and out of the hospital every 6 months Another two suicide attempts and two hospitalizations - one long term. Doctors had me on every drug known to man and nothing seemed to work.

Then I met my current doctor and therapist. They have taught me two things: acceptance of the illness and to be proactive in my treatment. They talk WITH ME about my medication and therapy, what it is supposed to do, and ask me what I think and if it is working. I research on the computer every medication that I take and keep my family doctor advised. I run a program for drug interactions on the computer whenever I get a new medicine from the family doctor just to be sure. My psychiatrist says "I want you to know your medicines because I may not always be your doctor and how will you know what has been going on with you?"

It is very important that the doctor you have respects you as an intelligent person. That he listens to you and your concerns....for example, if you don't want to take a medication that is known to add weight (which is unhealthy) or is known to be hard on the liver or has some other side effect. It is your body and there are just too many options out there to be stuck taking the ones you consider harmful.

I believe therapy with a Ph.D. is an integral part of treatment for bipolar disorder. Cognitive-behavior therapy is very effective in developing coping skills for problems associated with bipolar disorder. A therapist will also help with the areas bipolar patients need like keeping a routine, adequate sleep, stress management, mood charts and the like. Without this help, I would not be stable.

Finally, take your meds faithfully, same time every day.

If this brings hope of a new beginning to just one person, it will have been worth writing. Happy New Year. M